Ski Jumping in Pac Heights? Big Deal

photo: SF Chronicle

Now that the hoopla has died down from Icer Air ski rave and residents of $10 million shacks can once again park in their drives, I began to wonder how big of a deal was it anyway? I don't mean the political contortions the City went into to get this even approved, I mean actually skiing down a snow covered street and flying through the air.

Think about it. These guys are Olympians or near Olympic skiers who basically ski for a living. They ski night and day and when they're not skiing they think about skiing. So they went down some artificially snow-covered rich folks street and flew through the air for three seconds. If you looked closely, you would have noticed that Fillmore was closed to traffic and totally devoid of cars. A real daredevil event would have had these bums skiing while cars were simultaneously sliding and skidding on the snow as well. That would have taken some real damn skill, if just to avoid getting killed.

So, in the spirit of completely made up corporate sponsorship events, Critical Cloud offers these alternative events.

The Colt 45 Cross Country Ski Down Bush Street While Cars, Buses, and Pedestrians Also Make Their Way. If you get creamed by a car or bus, you're automatically eliminated, but if you take out a pedestrian you get a point. If you can nail a bike messenger, you get several points.

The Coppertone Nude Golf at Baker Beach Tournament. This would be played in the winter when the wind is howling and the fog is thick. It would be like playing in a giant sand trap all day.

The Ace Hardware Bungee Jumping Competition off the Transamerica Tower. Since you'd be banging yourself on the facade of that sloping structure, the contestant with the least number of broken bones would win.

The Girl Scout Cannabis Cookies Sidewalk Sale. Sponsors would include most of the 40 plus pot clubs in San Francisco.

The Transbay Tube Graffitti Artists Show. This would occur during peak commute hours and any tagger not obliterated by a BART train would get a free box of the Girl Scout cookies just mentioned.

The Bay Bridge Skater Games. Skateboarders take on the notorious commute hour traffic on the Bridge. Big points if you can grind a Mercedes bumper and live to tell about it.

If Johnny Mosely or any of the rest of you chowderheads can add to those, feel free.

Pipes R Us

That noted den of iniquity, Sherlock's Haven, finally went live on the Web, offering pipes, tobacco, and accessories to pipe wonks worldwide. If you're one of those types that collects, smokes, obsesses over, brags about, hides from your wife, owns more than 40, checks eBay daily for, and spends inordinate sums of money on pipes, this is the place for you.

The rest of us can still walk over to Sherlock's to satisfy our cigar or cigarette cravings and argue with Crazy Marty.

Sherlock's Haven
275 Battery
San Francisco, CA 94111
(415) 362-1405
Fax: (415) 362-3781
www.sherlocks-haven.com
email Sherlock's Haven

Return of the Puritans

You can do a lot of stuff these days that used to get you in trouble not that long ago. Presidents can both screw interns and screw New Orleans. Michael Jackson can sleep with young boys. Remember who was sitting on the Group W bench with Arlo Guthrie? Father rapers. Nobody would even notice now.

Sleeping with the judges on American Idol. Martha does some insider trading. Phony medical cannabis clubs. What guy doesn't want to live in the same neighborhood with the Desperate Housewives? This stuff doesn't even cause a blip on the radar screen of the body politic. Only one sin remains and the new Puritans have issued a fatwa against it.

read Betsy Hart's All Fired Up op-ed from the SF Chronicle

Words for Your Weekend

It was the summer of 1940 and Hitler controlled the European continent. All the world knew that he would next turn his attention to Great Britain. As Winston Churchill, Prime Minister, and all Britain waited, Hitler was ordering that plans be prepared that would establish German air superiority and then the invasion and occupation of Britain.

With his typical aplomb, Churchill invested himself in every aspect of British defense. At one point, while inspecting coastal defenses, Churchill dined with the commander, General Bernard Montgomery. Monty, as he was known, told the Prime Minister, "I neither drink nor smoke and am 100% fit." To this, Churchill replied, "I both drink a bottle of brandy a day and smoke ten cigars and am 200% fit!"

Critical Cloud readers are encouraged to draw their own conclusions.

Missing You, New Orleans

You couldn't help but wish you were sipping a cafe au lait and nibbling a beignet, as New Orlean's Kid Merv sang Missing You, New Orleans. And you couldn't help but feel good that a whole raft of musicians were donating time and money for Katrina relief.

Last night saw jazz cats and kittens jamming and bluesing at Jazz at Pearl's, all for the Red Cross and to aid New Orleans musicians displaced by the hurricane. Now, if you're any kind of jazz fan at all (and if you're not, what's your problem?), you know the place N.O. holds in this most American of art forms. It is no exaggeration to say without the Crescent City, there would not be jazz, at least not as we know it.

It's just as likely that without Jazz at Pearl's, San Francisco's jazz scene wouldn't be what it is today. In addition to raising support for hurricane relief, last night's performance heralded the two year anniversary since vocalist Kim Nalley and her husband, Steve Sheraton, purchased and reopened the venerable jazz hot spot. In that period, according to Sheraton, Pearl's has produced 2,000 jazz performances.

Joining Kid Merv were a host of Bay Area jazz artists including Madeleine Eastman, Allen Smith, the Kim Nalley Quintet, and a steady stream of musicians taking the stage for a number or two. The only small regret (but understandable) was that Kim herself was unable to be present due to a death in her family.

The Big Easy has always been about music, jazz and otherwise. We're missing you, New Orleans. May your songs never stop.

you can still contribute to Katrina Relief through the Red Cross

Jazz for Relief

If there had been no New Orleans, would there be jazz? Frightening thought, huh? Tonight Bay Area jazz musicians pay tribute and raise funds for hurricane relief and jazz music in New Orleans as Jazz at Pearl's Kim Nalley hosts a jam-packed show of jazz talent. Catch the music at the early set at 8:30 or for late nighters at 10:30.

make your reservation for Jazz at Pearl's Katrina Benefit Concert

Poker Playin' Chicks Say "All In"

A nice friendly game of cards to benefit the kids of Urban Services YMCA. That's all it was supposed to be. Instead, this tough-talking, straight-shooting, fast-dealing, gang of lady poker sharks descended on the confines of San Francisco's 850 Cigar Bar and flat out cleaned up. And they took no prisoners in the process.



Hosted by Roger the Schwabbie, poker professor extraordinaire, and el Greco, listless inebriate extraordinaire, the event drew 20-odd Texas Hold 'em players who anted up for the kids of Urban Services. Roger's charming and beautiful fiance, Melissa, held court at one table, while Roger dealt poker to the ladies until he dropped. The Rapidly Aging Chip, executive director of Urban Services, lost his entire pile in minutes and probably would have lost his pants if he hadn't retired to the bar to commiserate with Dreadlock Nick, now similarly broke.

By the end of the evening only three were still in, all females. Delia, Jerry, and Anne duked it out for first, second, and third, respectively. By that time, Chip and Nick were falling off their bar stools, convincing each other that "they had let the women win just to be nice guys." Sad, just plain sad.

more poker pix

The Urban Services YMCA Texas Hold 'em Benefit netted over $600 for programs that serve kids all over San Francisco. Roger and el Greco thank all those attended for their generosity. A big tip of the hat to Melissa for putting up with Roger's poker addiction a mere one week before their wedding!

Gambing, Drinking, & Smoking to Help Kids

You read that right.

Tonight at the Cigar Bar & Grill at 850 Montgomery (San Francisco), you can gamble, drink, and smoke all night long and every nickel benefits the kids of the Urban Services YMCA! Roger the Schwabbie and el Greco have teamed up to pull off a fantastic Texas Hold'em tournament and you gotta be there to play! The dealing starts at 7 PM. A lousy $50 gets you in the game. And, guys, if you need any further encouragement, as of this writing, women attendees outnumber the men 2 to 1.

more info? ask Critical Cloud

Kindness in many forms

The New Orleans Times-Picayune ran this short report today. Our hat is off to the T-P for continuing to operate throughout the Katrina disaster.

A member of the National Guard, cigarette hanging from his lips, confessed that he had taken the cartons of cigarettes he spied in the jetisoned luggage of fleeing Hyatt Hotel guests last week. Not for himself, but to toss into the crowd of Superbowl refugees. Add that to the random acts of kindness file.

The Voice from New Orleans

The New Orleans Times-Picayune continued publishing online throughout the Katrina disaster and recently reestablished their print edition. This open letter to the President appeared on Monday. It is reproduced here in its entirety.

Dear Mr. President:

We heard you loud and clear Friday when you visited our devastated city and the Gulf Coast and said, "What is not working, we’re going to make it right." Please forgive us if we wait to see proof of your promise before believing you. But we have good reason for our skepticism.

Bienville built New Orleans where he built it for one main reason: It’s accessible. The city between the Mississippi River and Lake Pontchartrain was easy to reach in 1718. How much easier it is to access in 2005 now that there are interstates and bridges, airports and helipads, cruise ships, barges, buses and diesel-powered trucks.Despite the city’s multiple points of entry, our nation’s bureaucrats spent days after last week’s hurricane wringing their hands, lamenting the fact that they could neither rescue the city’s stranded victims nor bring them food, water and medical supplies.

Meanwhile there were journalists, including some who work for The Times-Picayune, going in and out of the city via the Crescent City Connection. On Thursday morning, that crew saw a caravan of 13 Wal-Mart tractor trailers headed into town to bring food, water and supplies to a dying city.Television reporters were doing live reports from downtown New Orleans streets. Harry Connick Jr. brought in some aid Thursday, and his efforts were the focus of a "Today" show story Friday morning.

Yet, the people trained to protect our nation, the people whose job it is to quickly bring in aid were absent. Those who should have been deploying troops were singing a sad song about how our city was impossible to reach.We’re angry, Mr. President, and we’ll be angry long after our beloved city and surrounding parishes have been pumped dry. Our people deserved rescuing. Many who could have been were not. That’s to the government’s shame.

Mayor Ray Nagin did the right thing Sunday when he allowed those with no other alternative to seek shelter from the storm inside the Louisiana Superdome. We still don’t know what the death toll is, but one thing is certain: Had the Superdome not been opened, the city’s death toll would have been higher. The toll may even have been exponentially higher.It was clear to us by late morning Monday that many people inside the Superdome would not be returning home.

It should have been clear to our government, Mr. President. So why weren’t they evacuated out of the city immediately? We learned seven years ago, when Hurricane Georges threatened, that the Dome isn’t suitable as a long-term shelter. So what did state and national officials think would happen to tens of thousands of people trapped inside with no air conditioning, overflowing toilets and dwindling amounts of food, water and other essentials?State Rep. Karen Carter was right Friday when she said the city didn’t have but two urgent needs: "Buses! And gas!"

Every official at the Federal Emergency Management Agency should be fired, Director Michael Brown especially.In a nationally televised interview Thursday night, he said his agency hadn’t known until that day that thousands of storm victims were stranded at the Ernest N. Morial Convention Center. He gave another nationally televised interview the next morning and said, "We’ve provided food to the people at the Convention Center so that they’ve gotten at least one, if not two meals, every single day."

Lies don’t get more bald-faced than that, Mr. President.Yet, when you met with Mr. Brown Friday morning, you told him, "You’re doing a heck of a job."That’s unbelievable.There were thousands of people at the Convention Center because the riverfront is high ground. The fact that so many people had reached there on foot is proof that rescue vehicles could have gotten there, too.

We, who are from New Orleans, are no less American than those who live on the Great Plains or along the Atlantic Seaboard. We’re no less important than those from the Pacific Northwest or Appalachia. Our people deserved to be rescued.No expense should have been spared. No excuses should have been voiced. Especially not one as preposterous as the claim that New Orleans couldn’t be reached.

Mr. President, we sincerely hope you fulfill your promise to make our beloved communities work right once again.When you do, we will be the first to applaud.

From a Physician in the French Quarter

Critical Cloud received this communication yesterday from a San Francisco pathologist who had recently relocated to New Orleans. We offer it without change or edits.

Aug. 31, 2005

Thanks to all of you who have sent your notes of concern and your prayers. I am writing this note on Tuesday at 2 p.m.. I wanted to update all of youas to the situation here. I don't know how much information you are gettingbut I am certain it is more than we are getting. Be advised that almosteverything I am telling you is from direct observation or rumor from reasonable sources. They are allowing limited internet access, so I hope to send this dispatch today. Personally, my family and I are fine. My family is safe in Jackson, Miss.,and I am now a temporary resident of the Ritz Carleton Hotel in New Orleans.I figured if it was my time to go, I wanted to go in a place with a goodwine list. In addition, this hotel is in a very old building on Canal Street that could and did sustain little damage. Many of the other hotels sustained significant loss of windows, and we expect that many of the guests may beevacuated here.Things were obviously bad yesterday, but they are much worse today.Overnight the water arrived. Now Canal Street (true to its origins) is indeed a canal. The first floor of all downtown buildings is underwater. I have heard that Charity Hospital and Tulane are limited in their ability tocare for patients because of water. Ochsner is the only hospital that remains fully functional. However, I spoke with them today and they too are on generator and losing food and water fast.The city now has no clean water, no sewerage system, no electricity, and no real communications. Bodies are still being recovered floating in the floods. We Are worried about a cholera epidemic. Even the police are without effective communications. We have a group of armed police here with us at the hotel that is admirably trying to exert some local law enforcement. This is tough because looting is now rampant. Most of it is not malicious looting. These are poor and desperate people with no housing and no medical care and no food or water trying to take care of themselves and their families. Unfortunately, the people are armed and dangerous. We hear gunshots frequently. Most of Canal street is occupied by armed looters who have a low threshold for discharging their weapons. We hear gunshots frequently. The looters are using makeshift boats made of pieces of styrofoam to access. We are still waiting for a significant national guard presence.The health care situation here has dramatically worsened overnight. Many people in the hotel are elderly and small children. Many other guests have unusual diseases. ... There are (Infectious Disease) physicians in at this hotel attending an HIV confection. We have commandered the world famous French Quarter Bar to turn into an makeshift clinic. There is a team ofabout seven doctors and Pas (Physician Assistants, editor's note) and pharmacists. We anticipate that this will be the major medical facility in the central business district and French Quarter.Our biggest adventure today was raiding the Walgreens on Canal under police escort. The pharmacy was dark and full of water. We basically scooped the entire drug sets into garbage bags and removed them. All under police escort. The looters had to be held back at gunpoint. After a dose of prophylactic Cipro I hope to be fine.In all we are faring well. We have set up a hospital in the French Quarterbar in the hotel, and will start admitting patients today. Many will be from the hotel, but many will not. We are anticipating dealing with multiple medical problems, medications and and acute injuries. Infection and perhaps even cholera are anticipated major problems. Food and water shortages are imminent.The biggest question to all of us is where is the National Guard. We hearjet fignters and helicopters, but no real armed presence, and hence the rampant looting. There is no Red Cross and no Salvation Army.In a sort of cliché way, this is an edifying experience. One is rapidly focused away from the transient and material to the bare necessities of life. It has been challenging to me to learn how to be a primary care phyisican. We are under martial law so return to our homes is impossible.I don't know how long it will be and this is my greatest fear. Despite it all,this is a soul-edifying experience. The greatest pain is to think about the loss. And how long the rebuid will take. And the horror of so many deadpeopl .

Blog for Relief Weekend: Sep 1-5

You can do something about it.

Bloggers all over the USA have banded together to raise relief funds for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Click on Red Cross to donate.

Then log your contribution at Blog for Relief and select Critical Cloud as the blog that sent you. At this writing, over $370,000 has been raised by over 1,100 blogs.

Hurricane Katrina: Blog for Relief Day

Critical Cloud joins a growing list of blogs (over 900 at this writing) who have joined forces to raise relief funds for the victims of hurricane Katrina. We're asking our readers to give to any of the charitable organizations who are involved in the relief effort. The list of organizations, along with links to their online donation page can be found at: Blog for Relief participating charities. Be patient, as many websites have been extremely busy.

After you've donated, log your contribution and reference Critical Cloud as the participating blog. Then check the Blog Leaderboard to see how much each blogsite has raised. And thanks for remembering the victims of Hurricane Katrina.