The Plantation

The brouhaha over Hillary's comparison of the House of Representatives to "a plantation" ought to spill over to the California Air Resources Board. In that august body's wisdom, they have declared second-hand smoke as toxic. And it might well be. But when Dr. Robert Sawyer, chairman of that Board, cites "the adverse health effects [for] children who live in homes where smoking occurs", it sure sounds like he's ready to stick his nose right into my miniscule San Francisco apartment and tell me how to live. Kind of like a plantation.

The Air Resources Board mentions studies they have that ought to scare the hell out of the good subjects of the Empire of California. Studies about how second-hand smoke is killing little tykes. So where are the studies? Who did them? Can commoners, like me, read them? Or does "the man" know what's best for me?

The Best of Intentions

Now that we're nearly done with January, you may want to size up how those New Year's resolutions are going. At Critical Cloud, we've pretty much trashed all our resolutions and managed to do so the first week of January. Smoking less? Get real. Cut back on the booze? No chance. More compassion for the bums, panhandlers, and addicts that litter the streets of the City? That one didn't even last 24 hours. We're not that bothered, however; word is, our favorite party girls, the Bush twins, celebrated their broken resolutions, too.

Momma Don't Let Your Babies Be Winos

It's always something. That ominous government warning label on every bottle of wine, beer, or booze about pregnant women drinking. Since 1990, it's reinforced the commonly held male opinion that once the old egg was fertilized, "fun" was going to be a word no longer in your dictionary. I realize this is not a completely fair characterization of pregnant women, but for most of the men involved, it sure seems like it.

For most of us, it was excessive consumption of wine or whatever that led to someone getting pregnant in the first place. I'm pretty sure that's how it was for me, even though I can't recall the exact details anymore. But no more wine during pregnancy? Yikes.

Turns out that the "risk" referred to may not be much of a risk after all. Surprise, surprise. Another Chicken Little "the-sky-is-falling" warning from the guardians of the nanny state.

Now read Wine and Pregnancy and see why a little wine ain't so bad for momma and might actually help.

Notes Upon Tobacco II

In these turbulent times, we find ourselves returning (as we did some months ago) to the great thinkers of the past regarding tobacco. Here are a few more tidbits for your consideration.

To smoke is human; to smoke cigars is divine. ~ Anon

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings. ~ Brad Shaw

A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman. ~ Bulwer-Lytton, E. G.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT." ~ Dave Barry

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it. ~ George Burns

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes. ~ Katharine Whitehorn

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time. ~ Mark Twain

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar. ~ Mark Twain

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go. ~ Mark Twain

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did, I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times. ~ Mark Twain

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be. ~ Richard Carleton

But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself. ~ Russell Hoban

Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss. ~ Sigmund Freud

I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion. ~ Somerset Maugham

The end of a good smoke is a little saddening. In some regard, it's a bit like losing a best friend who had time to sit and listen. ~ ZenWarrior

If your wife doesn't like the aroma of your cigar, change your wife. ~ Zino Davidoff

There's peace in a Larranaga, there's calm in a Henry Clay, and a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. ~ Rudyard Kipling

Sublime tobacco! Divine in hookas, glorious in a pipe,
When tipp'd with amber, mellow, rich, and ripe;
Like other charmers, wooding the caress
More dazzlingly when daring in full dress.
Yet thy true lovers more admire, by far,
Thy naked beauties--give me a cigar!
--Lord Byron

Sing, Jack, Sing

Editor's note: Sometimes things in Washington get confusing. Like this whole Abramoff thing. That's why Critical Cloud is providing this useful and easy-to-understand analysis of the whole mess.

This is Jack. Jack has many friends. Jack gave many nice things to his friends. Good, Jack, good.

Jack likes to help. Jack will help his Indian friends. Jack is nice.



Jack took some money. Bad, Jack, bad. Now he must give it back. Jack’s friends are sad.

This is Tommy. Tommy and Jack are friends. Now Jack is singing about Tommy. See Jack sing? Run, Tommy, run.

Jack’s friends are very sad now. They are scared shitless. Will Jack sing about them, too? Sing, Jack, sing.

Mikey is Jack's friend. Mikey fucked up too and took some money. Bad, Mikey, bad. Mikey likes to sing, too. Mikey and Jack will sing together. Mikey and Jack will sing about all their friends. What fun!

That Cowboy Movie

No, we haven't watched it either. You know, that cowboy movie. From what we've heard, it is playing to sellout audiences all over San Francisco. In our hometown of Kansas City, tickets sales are brisk as well. Almost a dozen folks there have seen it.

So far, all the reviews of this movie have been filled with such superlatives as "an unbelievable love story" and "even hetero guys were wiping tears away." Oh, yeah, and "Ang Lee's epic masterpiece."

Personally, we find those gushing reviews a bit suspicious. Do we detect the silent hand of Hollywood manipulating press puppets? Seriously, do you really think the Pentagon learned to plant favorable articles in the Iraqi press all on their own?

Many thanks are therefore necessary, to Larry David, comedy writer best known for Curb Your Enthusiasm, for his non-movie movie review of Brokeback Mountain.

Top Honors to Critical Cloud in 2005

As you are recovering from your New Year's-induced haze, Critical Cloud is pleased to announce the dubious honor of our own little version of the Pulitzer Prize--Critical Cloud's top story of 2005--as selected by our own ill-informed and largely underachieving readers. Our top story garnered 33% of our reader's votes, nearly twice as many as any other article.

The worldwide accolades now pouring in. may, however, be tainted by scandal (shocked aren't you?). An internal audit of our highly technical polling software has indicated that the author of the top story (Crazy Marty) may have actually "hacked" the Critical Cloud super computer (operated under contract for us by the NSA) and voted for himself several thousand times, thus skewing the results. This sort of reprehensible, self-serving behavior is exactly the kind of dirty work that Critical Cloud's journalistic reputation was built on.

Click here to see the best of Critical Cloud 2005.