Our Grave National Threat

Something must be done.

The threat is real. And growing bigger every day. Swallowing innocent Americans who are helpless in its wake.

Online poker.

An estimated 23 million Americans play or have played or think about playing or might possibly play one day. And that's too damn much fun for anyone's good.

The United States Congress sees the looming threat. Congress hears the pleas of countless citizens saying "fold". And Congress sure as hell knows how to rake in the big pots.

Don't fear, Mr. and Mrs. Average American! Congress is riding to the rescue with the Federal Internet Gambling Prohibition and Enforcement Act. All will be put right.

Are there evildoers out there trying to stop Congress from saving people from themselves? You bet there are! The Poker Players Alliance audaciously think people should have the right to decide for themselves if poker is OK in their own homes! Balderdash! That's America-hating, terrorist talk!

Don't believe us? Click on the important video below to learn just how dangerous online poker has become.

Dump Daly

Keen insight. Cutting edge opinion. Thoughtful analysis. That's why you're a dedicated reader of Critical Cloud. Or else you're too nervous to look at online porn at work and you have to settle for the drivel published here instead.

We're going to pretend you're here for the insight and analysis. Which is why we had to let you know about out new favorite political group Dump Daly. It's mainly funded by SFSOS, an organization funded by some really wealthy guys who just figured out what an idiot Chris Daly, District 6 Supervisor, really is.

Critical Cloud figured that out about a year ago, when we awarded Supervisor Daly with the prestigious What the Fuck Were You Thinking award. To be fair, SFSOS did write up this really nifty indictment of Daly's stupidity and shenanigans. At 22 pages, it's a long read, but it sure dishes the dirt on ol' Chris.

In the spirit of righteous dog piling, the Dump Daly group is hosting an Everybody Hates Chris Daly get together at Jack Falstaff's at 6:30 on Tuesday. We're hoping for a good old fashioned effigy burning.

Can't Be a Man 'Cause He Doesn't Smoke the Same Cigarettes as Me

The Tom and Jerry smoking brouhaha continues. Here's the offending video clip and to be honest, we wish we could roll a smoke with Tom's panache.

Tom rolls his own and impresses the girl

Save the Children

You gotta love those Brits.

First the USA marches into Iraq and, by golly, there they are, right with us, kicking Iraqi ass and taking down names.

And now, when evil menaces the innocent 13 year olds of Great Britain, safety is but a censor's computer keystroke away.

That's because a vigilant observer of the British airwaves noted that in a recent broadcast of the classic cartoon series, Tom & Jerry, Tom is seen smoking a cigarette and one of Tom's cartoon buddies lights a cigar. An anonymous phone call later to Ofcom (British equivalent of the FCC), and the offensive scenes are being edited out. The children's TV channel, Boomerang (owned by Turner Television), will now make sure they edit out all such scenes from cartoons that "glamorize or condone smoking."

What a huge fucking relief that will be for British parents. Critical Cloud will be forwarding a list of other offensive behaviors that the kiddies need to be saved from as well:

• Tom and Jerry beat the living crap out of each other nearly every episode. What does this teach children about loving relationships?
  
• Popeye is a well known pipe smoker. In fact, he's a pipe puffing addict. Horrors.
• Wiley Coyote handles dangerous explosives frequently. Is this how young terrorists get their start?
• Although not a cartoon character, the fictional Sherlock Holmes smoked pipes, cigarettes, and cigars. Not to mention his well-documented dalliances with cocaine and opium.
  
• To be completely fair about this, even images of real people have to be censored. That most stalwart of Britishers, Winston Churchill, has got to be cleaned up. Photoshop out the ever-present cigar he sported.
  

Yes, let's remove, rewrite, and censor out every remotely unsafe act, each instance of goofy behavior, and any episodes of inconvenient history, if need be. No more Three Stooges eye gouging. No more Ren and Stimpy uncontrollable farting. Never a whisper that the world is anything except perfect and pristine and beautiful and everyone gets at least a "B" just for showing up. Anything to save the little bastards.

She's Not Happy

Because the price of her cigar is about to go through the roof.

That is, if California's Prop 86 passes in November.

So what's the story?

• Prop 86 would effectively triple the California tobacco tax.
• A pack of cigarettes that now cost $5.50 would go for $8.10
• Cigars and other forms of tobacco would similarly increase
• An immediate "floor tax" on existing tobacco inventory of 88% would be created overnight.

That great $5 stick you're enjoying right now could end up being $8 to $10 depending on the retailer. And the floor tax will likely put tobacconists in California right out of business.

Let's say a tobacconist has $100,000 of inventory (wholesale cost). That tobacconist will have an $88,000 tax bill due if Prop 86 passes. How many small businesses do you know that could survive that?

Where would all this new tax revenue go? A paltry 5% is to be used for actual health research. 42.25% would go to media and advertising campaigns. A staggering 52.75% would go to hospital corporations supposedly to improve their emergency rooms. Oh yeah, a whole bunch of new state beauracracies would get funded to handle all this money. Great idea, huh?

I won't even get into the issue of black market cigarettes (that will be a future article). Let's just say that the last time the government tried to run a supposed social evil out of business (Prohibition in the 1920's), a lot of disreputable characters found a new line of work.

It's All Relative

Most everyone knows that what we call "normal" in San Francisco, passes for "fruitcake" in most of the rest of the country. And if you're "weird" here in the City by the Bay, then anywhere else you're just a plain "whackjob".

But, alas, the nuttiness continues, this time across the Atlantic from our European Union friends. No, they are not headbutting each other over football matches or doing more urinanalysis for American testosterone. This time they've gone one better than even the busiest San Francisco busybody and decided it's just dandy to discriminate in job hiring against evil tobacco smokers. Just wait until our town's own Chris Daly (moron Supervisor first class) gets a load of this.

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