Goodnight, Mr. Buchwald

He was satirist the likes that we hadn't seen since Will Rogers or Mark Twain. Art Buchwald, long time columnist for the Washington Post, died yesterday. Rather than wax on about his decades long lampooning of the body politic, we thought it more fitting to reprint one of our favorite columns from the Buchwald notebook:

Some Heady Phrases on Wine
Art Buchwald, 1954

The problem of besting your friends at wine talk becomes increasingly difficult. It isn't enough to drink wines—you must be able to talk about them, if not intelligently, at leastat length. Alexis Lichine, who wrote a book called “Wines of France", and who is up to his neck in the wine business, has given us some provocative phrases that can be used at the dinner table, either in your own home or as a guest in the home of a friend.

If you're serving wine in your own home Mr. Lichine advises you to be very modest. When the bottle is put on table, apologize to your guests. "I'll have to beg your pardon," you might say, "but this is a small, red wine, inconsequential, withhardly any character." If your guests contradict you, start building slowly. After tasting it, remark to some one, "In spite of everything, I do believe it has some breed,even if it hasn't hit its pinnacle." If no takes the bait, go a peg higher. "You know something, I believe this wine is declaring itself. Why yes, it certainly is. It does have manifestations of greatness at.” By this time, if your remarks still go unheeded, let out all the stops. "The French consider this wine as one of most magnificent sovereigns. They laughingly call it the Napoleon of Burgundies. It's a pity it has to be wasted on such clods."

Drinking wine in some one else’s homeis a much easier problem. The host is always looking for compliments and if you're not careful, some of the sillier people at the table may start giving them. The thing to remember is always be polite. After tasting the wine a comment like this might be used, "Yes, it does have pleasing shimmer. Isn't it too bad the nose doesn't live up to the color for it could have been a big stout boy."

When speaking of vintages, never refer to a wine as 1935 or 1936. Always drop the nineteen and refer to them as thirty-fours, thirty-fives, thirty-nines, etc. Learn the names of a few rare wines and throw them around as much as you can. If you can associate them with a good French restaurant, it always helps. For example, never say, "I like a Margaux." It's much better to reminisce, "I remember a Margaux I once had at the Grand Vefour in forty-six. What a noble lunch that was."

Never refer to "wine, woman and song" in front of connoisseurs. Next to wine, the other two are so inferior they should not be mentioned in the same breath.

It may be useful when talking about wine to know that Bordeaux comes in slim bottles and Burgundy in squat ones.This always impresses.

When ordering wines in restaurants, study the card for a long time even if you don’t understand what you're reading. Cluck occasionally, and then turn to the som­melier and ask him to advise you on what to order. Never accept his first suggestion. He is testing you, and you don't want to lose face.

Always carry a vintage chart with you.If you're not sure of the best wine years, take the wine card to the washroom and check it against your vintage chart.

When drinking champagne, always make a remark about the bubbles. You can either take the side that you like the bubbles, or that you're against them. Our favorite line on this subject is, "I like champagne--because it always tastes like my foot's asleep."

Another Blurry Year Vaguely Remembered

With our recovery from the New Year's Eve debauchery nearly complete, it seemed time to collect what thoughts we still had about 2006. A retrospective, of sorts, through the haze.

Hard to believe that the whole gay cowboy thing came and went, huh? We're still waiting for Hollywood to come out with Lipstick Canyon, if you follow our drift. And whoda thunk lil' ol' George Mason U woulda been in the Final Four?

Speaking of finality, Crazy Marty called it quits and we suspect he's chilling with 72 virgins somewhere. But the masses did mourn the closing of Sherlock's and the advent of its sad replacement.

It was altogether fitting that the year included some cursing, what with self-righteous rants about puffing cartoon characters, killer spinach, and degenerate online Texas Hold'em.

Nonetheless, the year did close out with a couple of wins for the good guys. And in the end, the universe came out alright.