The Newsom Press Statements We'd Like to Hear

Mr. Mayor, you're on a roll. May we offer some suggestions for next week's press conference?


















10. Dude, I would totally love this job. Just like working on the Love Boat! (to the captain of the Queen Mary 2, recently docked in SF)

9. Well, at least I didn't go to skiing in Colorado with Kobe.

8. After a week like this last one, I think Rex Grossman is the only guy who understands me.

7. On my trip to Davos, the hotel lost my corkscrew and I actually had to live on nothing but food and water for three days!

6. I've never had too much to drink but I've often been overserved.

5. On his best day, Peskin (Board of Supervisors President) couldn't get himself a nineteen year old. I, on the other hand, have never had that problem.

4. Being with a woman never hurt no mayor. Staying up all night looking for a woman ruined a lotta good mayors.

3. It was Kimberly who drove me to drink. I always meant to call her and thank her.

2. I have tendered my resignation as mayor of San Francisco and will be joining the marketing department at GoDaddy.com.

1. I know I need help. I almost hired Sara Daly as my appointments secretary.

Top Ten Reasons Tourkgate Coulda Been Worse

Optimism. It's what makes America America. With all the brouhaha over Mayor Gavin Newsom's pecadillos, it's time to get a hold of ourselves, look the situation square in the eye, and remind ourselves "it is better to curse the darkness, than to light one candle."

Mr. Mayor it coulda been worse...

10. At least he didn't pull a Mark Foley and do it with an underage male page whose dad was a janitor at city hall.

9. What if this had happened with Prince Charles and Camilla while they were visiting SF? Can you spell international incident? Can you spell gross?

8. Suppose Borat had attended yesterday's press conference.

7. There is no semen stained dress as far as we know. Hair gel stained, yes, but no semen.

6. After 24 hours the City of Santa Clara is breathing easier, thinking they might have been the target of an airstrike ordered by Newsom in retaliation for stealing the Niners.

5. Gavin orders that step 9 be removed from every 12 step program offered at City-run clinics. "Eleven steps are more than enough for an effective program," cites the Mayor.

4. Former Mayor Willie Brown reminds Gavin, "Besides dressing flashy, I guess there's a few other things young white guys can't pull off."

3. On Sunday, six hours of Super Bowl pregame will be preempted for a special news commentary, "The Mayor's Pee Pee".

2. With your subscription to Playboy, you also get the "Gavin Newsom 2007 Babes of City Hall" calendar.

1. Wilt Chamberlain's purported record of having slept with 10,000 women in his lifetime remains untouched.

San Francisco Values' Man of the Year

We don't give it out all that often. But this time...what could we do?














Mr. Mayor. Gavin. Gavmeister. What were you thinking? A staffer's wife? And she's your appointment secretary? You're the winner, Mr. Mayor, of the Critical Cloud What the Fuck Were You Thinking Award!

OK, let's be somewhat objective about this. The Mayor is a nice looking guy with a high powered job. And the lady in question is hot (although we're left wondering who names their girl Ruby Rippey? sounds like an exotic dancer). But, for crying out loud, Mr. Mayor, Alex Tourk was not only your staff guy and campaign manager, he was your buddy! You screwed your friend's wife, something even Mike Tyson wouldn't do!




It ain't like you were hard up for dates or anything. Scientology babe Sophia Milos, that underage chick you got drunk, and actress Jennifer Siebel these days. Not too shabby.

On the other hand, and to paraphrase, it's hard out here for a mayor. Conducting gay marriages 12 hours a day, flying around in the Google guys private jet, workshops in Davos, Switzerland, losing an NFL club from your city, and the whole time attack dogs like Chris Daly nipping at your heels. No sir, it's not a job for the faint of heart. And when there's someone in the office who, you know, understands what you're going through, and who is there for you, well, it can be a beautiful thing.

Of course, this whole thing will blow over fairly soon and, hell, it may even help Newsom with the frat boy vote next year. Willie Brown made a whole mayoral career doing this kind of thing. In some countries like France or Italy, fooling around with some other guy's wife is practically a required qualification for holding public office.

But still, we have to wonder, What The Fuck Were You Thinking?