Thank You, Belmont

Last week, the city of Belmont, California passed an ordinance that prohibits smoking anywhere within the city limits except a detached single family home. In apartments, condos, even on the street corner, smoking can lead to a $1,000 fine. This is the most far-reaching ordinance of its type in America. I felt that a nice note to Belmont Mayor Coralin Feierbach and the rest of the City Council was in order.

Dear Mayor Feierbach and Belmont City Councilmembers:

It was swell of you there in Belmont to help me live better by passing your new smoking ordinance. I had no idea how unhappy I was smoking these cigars that I’ve been addicted to for so long. Now that my little habit will be a crime in your city, I plan to start reforming right away.

I was doing a bit of thinking and realized that there are other things besides smoking that might be bad. I am wondering if the Council might want to prohibit some of the following bad behaviors, too?

• Name calling: I never called anyone names because my mother brought me up so well, but a lot of nasty people out there do. Can’t Belmont make that illegal?

• Nose picking: Do you know how many diseases are transmitted through mucus? Belmont should put up signs: “Booger Free City”.

• Gratuitous flatulence: This has gotten way out of hand in middle schools. Some of these youngsters think it’s sport to fart in public and they try to outdo each other. Innocent younger children are often the unwitting victims. Time to outlaw it.

• Alcoholic consumption: It’s time to revive this prohibition. How many husbands neglect their loving wives while guzzling beer and watching NFL football every weekend? And booze also leads to this next one…

• Unprotected sex: Lots of scary bad stuff comes from this. It should be prohibited in every bed and automobile backseat in Belmont. If necessary, have the police do random bed checks to make sure everyone is complying.

• Public stupidity: You guys are the experts on this one, so I don’t have to tell you how serious the moron problem is there in Belmont. Set an example and fire yourselves.

I feel pretty sure that these nifty ideas will make Belmont an even better place to live. After you pass these laws, you can go to work on other personal choices that people shouldn’t get to make. Things like free speech, religion, sexual orientation, and maybe even how many kids they get to have. Government does know best and you all are a wonderful example of that.

Keep up the fine work,
el Greco

Chicken John: the Candidate They Don't Want You to Know About

He goes by the moniker of Chicken John. Some might call him unconventional. Quirky. Perhaps even a nutjob. But in a field of a dozen or so candidates for Mayor of San Francisco, he is one of the relatively sane ones. What that means in San Francisco, we have no idea, but that's exactly why we cornered Chicken John a few days ago. Take a look for yourself.



interview by: el Greco
production by: Sweet Melissa
audience participation: Cletis Walkman
corporate sponsor: Grant's Tobacconist