Oh, You Matt!

By now you know, San Francisco's own pride of the nuthouse, Matt Gonzalez, is perennial presidential candidate Ralph Nader's running mate in the 2008 election.

Once your fits of laughter subside, however, I think there are some highly positive aspects to this pigeon-pie-from-the-sky move by ol' Ralphie. McCainiacs, you are excused from the discussion. I realize you have to start getting Nader/Gonzalez yard signs up in Florida and Ohio.

Our man Matt says he hopes to influence the debate. That's OK as long as he doesn't influence men's hairstyles. But what can Matt add as a VP candidate?

• He could help form a Nader cabinet (remember, I asked you to stop laughing). Let's complete the San Francisco trifecta by appointing Chris Daly as Secretary of State and Gerardo Sandoval as Secretary of Defense.

• Matt has some background in the arts. The government could save a lot of dough by having Matt paint the official presidential portrait of Ralph! Or even invite graffiti artists to tag the Lincoln bedroom!

• Could you get fellow left-winger and president of Venezuala, Hugo Chavez, to cut us some slack on gas prices? "Yo, el presidente Hugo, it's me, the Mattster, dude. The price of gas is hella high, man. Ralph would probably let you and some buddies crash at the Lincoln bedroom, if you can help us, man."
  

• Medical marijuana in San Francisco? Let's get it in the White House, Matt! State dinners with foreign dignitaries would take on a whole new aroma (literally). Matt (taking a hit): "Whoa, dude, your girlfriend is so fucking hot." French President Sarkozy (passing the joint back): "Whoa, monsieur, Carla and I love blazing with you and President Ralph in the Oval Office."

• NAFTA schmafta. Instead of fighting those Afghan poppy farmers, Matt will make sure they get fair trade prices and humane working conditions for opium production. Maybe even cute little stickers, "certified fair trade, organic heroin".
  

You get the idea. The radical/hipster/stoner administration. The Haight comes to 1600 Pennsylvania. It's all too beautiful.

Gav Train!

What with the SFPUC chief being tossed, well paying global warming jobs, and an outta control budget, some of you of little faith are asking, whither does the City tend? To which I say, fuggedaboutit! The Gavinator has a plan, fool! He even has a campaign song! Sing it to the tune of the O'Jays Love Train:

People all over the City (San Francisco!)
Join hands
Start a Gav train, Gav train (Sacto bound!)
People all over the City
Start a Gav train, Gav train
All of you video brothers over SFPD
Tell all the folks at Muni, and PUC, too
Please don't miss this train at Room 200
'Cause if you miss it, I feel sorry, sorry for you

People all over the City (Baghdad!)
Join hands (by the Bay!)
Start a Gav train, Gav train
There’s jobs a-plenty over in Global Initiatives
Tell little Aaron and the Board of Supes too
If you miss, miss this train
It’s gonna run over you

People all over the City
Join hands
Join hands on the Gav train
See over yonder? There’s Susan Leal
Don’t be like her, you best get on the ball
Don’t miss this train or you’ll be so blue
Hey, Jen, get on! There’s room for Ruby too

People all over the City
Join hands
Start a Gav train, Gav train
The next stop will be at Arnold’s pad
Pack it up, Maria, I know you must feel so bad
Tell all the weenies and Chris Daly too
Keep your pot clubs, I done moved on through

People all over the City
Join hands
Join in, Gav train...Guv train...Guv train...

Here In Camelot

Look at the happy couple; the Mayor and his honey floating weightless. Hipper than Jack and Jackie, more chill than even Barack and Michelle. Unbelievably cool. He is so totally governor material.

Actually, anyone can go on this ride for a mere $3,500 a pop for about 30 seconds of weightlessness. Zero G will be happy to schedule you a ride. No doubt Gavin's pals, the Getty's, sprang for the airfare. And that's just as it should be.

My question is this. Now that San Francisco's Mayor has all these global warming, "eco-chic" advisers on board, did anyone bother to check how many tons of greenhouse gases this totally fun, but frivolous plane ride pumped into the atmosphere? I thought the idea was to get the City to figure out ways to reduce environmental impact from things like, well, jet fuel, for instance.

Maybe this weightless airplane flight is some new Muni public transit program being beta tested. Or maybe that Boeing 727 has been retrofitted to run on some type of biofuel? Or perhaps like City Hall's Global Protection Initiative patronage, it runs on bullshit.

The photo was taken on Feb 19, 2008 and is used with permission from Fog City Journal.